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To Spank or Not To Spank; Parental Punishments ~ Behaviour Control
Tweet Topic Started: Oct 31 2006, 07:03 PM (707 Views)
Denovissimus Oct 31 2006, 07:03 PM Post #1
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Is it okay to use lies and fear as tools of behaviour modification for our children?

Examples include "you better behave or the boogey man is going to get you!'

or "if you are not a good boy/girl santa clause won't bring you any present"

or "you have to brush your teeth so that when they fall out you'll get money from the tooth fairy".

Why must there be a santa clause or a boogey man or the tooth fairy? What about the truth?

And I don't even know what's up with the easter bunny.
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 10:21 PM Post #2
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Quote:
 
Examples include "you better behave or the boogey man is going to get you!'


hahah for me it was " You better behave or get your ass whooped".

Yes, as a kid I believed in the Tooth Fairy,Santa..but my parents never used it as a tool to get us to behave.

It was just a kid thing to do. *shrugs*

Parents now, let their kids get away with way too much. Giving them thier own t.v.,cell phones,video games and computers. Then they cry when thier kid grows up to be a shit head. Its ridiculous.

Im raising my kids the way I was raised, with good ol' plain dicipline and an occassional ass whopping. They actually need it.
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Stephános Oct 31 2006, 10:48 PM Post #3
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My mom was the bitch-hand of God. That was enough for me.

I kinda don't see a big deal with those little cute lies of motivation (for a kid that is), but the truth seems just as effective if not moreso.
I do wanna smack those parents who "don't believe" in spankings, grounding etc, because as Julesy mentioned, the kids typically grow up thinking they can get away with anything. And they do.
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Stephános Oct 31 2006, 10:53 PM Post #4
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Denovissimus
Oct 31 2006, 02:03 PM
And I don't even know what's up with the easter bunny.

Frank :rocks
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Jane Oct 31 2006, 11:01 PM Post #5
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It's difficult...because there is something magical in believing in Santa at least.

Don't care for fairies or bunnies though. Don't really think lying to kids is a good way to go when we don't want our kids to lie to us. Kind of setting the wrong example.

I'll post a better answer tomorrow!
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la anaconda de chocolatee Oct 31 2006, 11:01 PM Post #6
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I dont believe in hitting kids, there are other ways of disipline that actually work, I don t believe that hitting works most of the time. My mom whacked me all the time. Yeah it hurt for like 5 minutes but if I really wanted to do something that I was not supposed to, an ass whooping wouldnt stop me cause hey the pain is only short lived.

Most parents do not use non-phyisical punishment right because they are too lazy to do it correctly or give in/give up way too soon. My kids will not be smacked, but they will be disiplined.

I was terrified of the easter bunny as a kid. The thought of a giant bunny going from door to door always gave me the creeps! Even when I was real little!
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 11:06 PM Post #7
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Quote:
 
dont believe in hitting kids, there are other ways of disipline that actually work


Like what? saying "oh darling, dont do that?"

thats whack and doesnt get through to the kid. Ooooh, they got scolded.

Im not saying beat the shit out of them until they bleed, just enough to send the message.

That nice shit only works for a little bit, until they learn how to play you and give you what you want to hear.
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la anaconda de chocolatee Oct 31 2006, 11:07 PM Post #8
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no, like taking away all of their shit that they love so dearly and giving it back one by one as behavior improves. That shit works.
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 11:08 PM Post #9
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they shouldnt have a ton of shit anyway
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la anaconda de chocolatee Oct 31 2006, 11:18 PM Post #10
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any shit that they have, even if they dont have much. Also do a rewards and consequences system, that usually works as well.

My sister one time had to take EVERYTHING out of my neice's room except for her bed and her sheets. And my neice does not have a tv or anything like that in her room.
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 11:21 PM Post #11
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id rather spank them then have to move furniture. or Id make them take out all their crap from thier room. you are essentially punishing yourself by having to move all of it. make them do it, they did the wrong thing.

im telling you, a spanking is punishment enough and it works!
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la anaconda de chocolatee Oct 31 2006, 11:25 PM Post #12
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spanking does not work. Initially it works cause the kid is shocked by it. But the more you do it, the less it works. You start to get used to the brief pain on the rear, and you are going to do bad anyway if you really want to. So the kid stops caring about being spanked, and so you have to spank him harder and harder till what? You get to the point where you are physically abusing the child? Plus spanking teaches nothing. A rewards and consequences system teaches kids that they behave, they earn the things that they want. And if they dont behave, they are not going to get what they want.
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 11:30 PM Post #13
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I reckon its easy to share our views on what we would WANT to do with our child. Its gonna be a hell of alot different when we actually are raising them.

My stand point comes from how I was raised. It worked for me.

Any other way (to me anyway) seems like spoiling the child and not really showing dicipline.

Even if you do take stuff away, they will too, eventually learn to live without it or to not care because its just not harsh enough.
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la anaconda de chocolatee Oct 31 2006, 11:34 PM Post #14
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even if they learn to live without it, there will always be new things that they want and if they dont improve their behavior to earn it, they are not goig to get it. Although most toys loose their luster, there are always a few toys or gadgets that a kid always loves and cherishes.

I was brought up being spanked, no way am I going to spank my child. Besides, you are just teaching your child to be violent. So what if your kid then goes to beat up someone at school? You tell them that is wrong yet you hit them so you and sending them mixed messages.

Me and my sisters used to beat each other up really bad, I mean we pretty much abused each other. I wonder if we would have been that phyisically abusive with each other if my parents didnt hit us. I doubt that we would have been that extreme.
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Julesy Oct 31 2006, 11:39 PM Post #15
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I gues the way my parents raised me , I knew the difference between getting spanked and beating up people or other kids. It never even crossed my mind, nor did I ever get into a physical confrontation with others.

As far as fighting with siblings, who doesnt? especially if you are close in age.


I also see it what Michele is saying as more of a bribe.
"if your good, you get a reward"

no, sometimes you SHOULDNT get a reward for being good. Sometimes you should JUST do something and dont get shit. That eventually leads to them expecting shit from you as a parent.

You got good grades? GOOD! CAUSE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO!

Oh, you cleaned your room? GOOD, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO!
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la anaconda de chocolatee Nov 1 2006, 12:19 AM Post #16
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well that is where you set up guidelines as far as what you get rewards for. You dont get rewards for everything. Basically, if a child is prone to say throwing a temper tantrum. When they have one, you give them a consequence. Dont let them watch a certain show that they like or not get computer time or take away their game boy. you tell them ahead of time that this will happen if they throw a temper tantrum. If lets say they get mad at you and it is a situation where they would normally throw a temper tantrum but they dont, then you acknowledge their change in behavior and you give them a reward that you had promised before, like lets say you give them a half hour on the computer instead of 15 minutes. Or, you give a cumulative reward. You have a chart for lets say a whole week, and you list specific behaviors for it. When they exhibit the good behavior, you give them a star for it. When the child lets say gets 10 stars, they get a reward such as the new game boy game they wanted, to to go to lunch at Mcdonalds. The child is aware the the ultimate prize that they are working for and this motivates them to change their behaviors. If they exhibit the bad behavior, give them an immediate consequence such as taking something away as well as taking a star off of their chart lets say.

This is an important tool in behavior modification, it can work with most kids, but it can really help espeically with an ADHD or ODD kid. A reward/consequence chart I used often when I worked with ADHD kids. Eventually, if the child continues to exhibit the good behaviors till it gets to te point where they no longer need the positive reinforcement of rewards, then you stop the reward system. Or maybe you no longer need to use it for that behavior, but there is a new bad behavior that is being exhibited that you use the chart for instead.
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Julesy Nov 1 2006, 12:27 AM Post #17
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I still dont see the point of rewarding
EXPECTED behaviour.

Seriously, is a child really gonna not notice or expect to be rewarded when the chart is taken away?

Why isnt verbal praise enough? Why should they "GET A PRIZE"? Sometimes the situation doesnt warrant it.

As far as taking away their stuff as punishment, Im all for that. Sometimes circumstances/issues are more serious then taking away their GAME BOY though
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la anaconda de chocolatee Nov 1 2006, 12:55 AM Post #18
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if the proper behavior becomes part of their regular behavior, where they begin to do it automatically and not only to get a reward, then they no longer need the reward system.

the behavior may be expected to you, but that doesnt mean it is automatic to the child, or even if they understand that they should behave that way, doesnt mean that they automatically will.

positive reinforcement usually works pretty well. But it isnt for all children and especially not all ages. After age 10 it doesnt work much anymore. But it does work.

One time in the classroom, I kept taking things away from my client. First it was every little toy thing he had in his desk. But then he would play around with pencils and paperclips, etc. So I started taking that away, but he would find something else to play around with. I kept taking away until not only did I take away everything in his desk, but I also took away his desk and all he had was his chair and the other kids were laughing at him and he was just sitting there with nothing like an idiot. That finally got him to pay attention to the teacher and do his work.
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Denovissimus Nov 1 2006, 03:07 AM Post #19
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Looks like my original topic broaden so I expanded it in the title, will give my thoughts laters.
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Stephános Nov 1 2006, 03:20 AM Post #20
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Garden threads take on a life of their own ;P

Both Julesy and Michele have many valid points.
Can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but after thinking for a bit, I realized I just might be a tad uncomfy giving physical punishment to my future kids. I can't really know until I'm faced with the situation and know my kids' personalities, however I can see myself using guilt. Silent anger & hurt, lines like "You've disappointed me" etc would come more natural to me. Probably wouldn't go off well though, hence why I'm not planning on being a father anytime soon :-p

This isn't to say I wouldn't bring out the belt on occasion though.

Edit:
Jane
 
Don't really think lying to kids is a good way to go when we don't want our kids to lie to us.  Kind of setting the wrong example.

Both Janie and Michele mentioned the mixed signals thing - which is also a very valid point. I hadn't thought of it that way.
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